You had it up to the ceiling with the ex. You barely spend time together. Never really go out and a phone conversation consists of, “how was work or how are you doing?” instead of how can we make it work or how are we doing?” Expressing the things you feel about each other is non-existent unless you’re speaking harshly to one another. Finally, you decide your relationship is going nowhere fast and eventually you call it quits. Time goes by and you find yourself going through the, “if only s/he would’ve done this” stage and decide that maybe, just maybe, you can give it another shot…so you do.
How do you make it work the second time around? For starters you can use the little leeway from the first failed attempt. Second, discuss the things that didn’t work before without pointing fingers. For example, if your partner never wanted to spend time with you, you may start by saying, “I would have liked to spend time with you so we could build and connect more.” This way you’re not saying, “you never wanted to spend time with me!” This may defuse a possible storm. Third, notice patterns reminiscent of the first time and nip it in the bud immediately! Don’t wait until several instances occur. This breeds anger and finger-pointing.
Another important things is to recognize the little changes. Each change means effort put forth that was not there before and you’ll both learn to appreciate those efforts rather than nitpicking at each other. The most important thing is to take it slow—not slow enough where your relationship is at a standstill because you should never accept your relationship being put on the backburner—but slow enough to not rush the process. Remember: You must be patient, especially if less appealing ways are ingrained in you both.
Making it work the second time around doesn’t mean you should put in twice the effort. You’ll only end up suffering the same heartache as before. You mustn’t let your relationship rot. Instead, work on fruitfully building it. Rekindling your hearts means to not repeat the patterns that put the flame out to begin with. In the end, you’ll find that the flames burn twice as strong the second time around.